Mom’s been gone almost twenty years. Hard to believe, since I still hear her voice. She worked passionately for her causes, but never breathed a single insult about an adversary. She repeated her mantra, her affirmation, with vigor like she was trying to convince herself:
“Personal. Remarks. Are. Vulgar.”
Maybe I should listen more today. It’s a struggle to be worthy. Mom had dear friends and family who called her naive, and it took me until after she was gone to see how brave she was. It’s a relief to see a few shining lights who continue Mom’s legacy of courage and kindness, even if they never met her.
Braver Angels calls itself “the nation’s largest cross-partisan volunteer movement to bridge the partisan divide.” On the surface that’s about as naive as my mom. Dig deeper, and what stands out among these angels is their unrelenting calm and courage in the face of so much that’s ugly and scary in the way we treat each other today.
The Braver Angels workshop “Skills for Disagreeing Better” opens with three goals:
1 To gain a greater understanding of the values and concerns of people who differ from you politically
2 To gain better skills for listening in a way the other person feels heard
3 To gain better skills for sharing your perspective in a way the other person might hear, even if they disagree
Kinda weak, right? Why should I understand them when they’re just wrong? It’s lame to care whether they “feel heard.” That’s capitulation. I already know how to make them hear me. I mean, I can be really loud.
On the contrary… it’s incredibly hard work. How do we solve problems without an understanding of what makes others believe in different solutions? It takes restraint that can make your head explode, it takes persistence that will wear you out. And it takes courage to face the blowback that is bound to come your way. Braver Angels helps prepare us for that work.
Ninety minutes later, workshoppers had picked up some listening skills (it isn’t real listening if you’re just preparing your retaliation). We practiced acknowledging opposing views with a pivot to clearly stating our own opinions. Likely nobody became an expert in that short session, except maybe the lady who couldn’t wait to use all these new strategies… in her pickleball group.
For the rest of us, it was a start. And a way more valuable use of a Saturday than a six pack and a bag o’ chips.
No judgement here, I’m kinda big on beer and chips.
Is it worth the effort? Who knows. But this is for sure: insults, name-calling, labels, assumptions, and simple answers are all easy. And lazy. They work for people on both sides who refuse to put effort into complicated solutions. That leads to gridlock in lawmaking, and worse, to broken relationships as we cut off friends and family on the “other side.”
Mom would hate where we are as a polarized society today, but she’d love Braver Angels. Like her, they’re brave enough to believe in the basic goodness shining within every human. Sure that’s naive. You bet it is, and I said so in front of a couple hundred friends and family at Mom’s memorial twenty years ago. With a twist:
I wish I could be that kinda naive.